Weddings can be a veritable minefield of emotional issues if one isn't careful to recognize possible dangers and take precautions to avoid them. As if the anxieties mothers and daughters experience trying to work as a team and keep everyone happy isn't enough, you can have added issues involving finances, divorce, blended families, to have children or not to have children at the event, and so much more. I sometimes think I could write a book on this subject alone so if this article runs a little long, I apologize in advance.
Mothers and daughters have a unique dynamic all their own. When the daughter is in her teens, it can sometimes be almost a love/hate relationship as the teenager tests her wings of independence and mother keeps trying to maintain her dominion over the household and her instinct to protect and nurture all within it. I've come to the conclusion that, unlike many men, women can be very territorial and, as the daughter matures, there seems to be a certain element of conflict as Mom tries to keep a degree of control and daughter begins to assert her independence. When planning a wedding, I often see this when the bride isn't seeing eye-to-eye with her mother about things from the decor to who the photographer should be, or even, sometimes, who the groom is. Fortunately, what I also see is both mother and daughter striving very hard to maintain equanimity and patience and tolerance because, above all things, they love each other and don't want anything to interfere with that relationship. Obviously, this can create stresses on both.
What makes a wedding planner invaluable at a time like this is that he or she becomes the arbitrator to work out compromises while respecting everyone's point of view. It also helps to "depersonalize" things. By that I mean that Daughter can have a negative conditioned response to something Mother says regarding the planning, just because her mother said it. I have found that I can say the very same thing to the bride, virtually verbatim that her mother said, and the bride will accept it readily. Because it came from a third party and not a close family member, it becomes far more palatable.
In today's world, where divorce and remarriage are so common, it isn't unusual at all for parents to be divorced from one another and to have other spouses or significant others. Often, this doesn't present a problem since the parents have moved on in their lives and tolerate one another's presence without having an anxiety attack. In fact, the bride or groom may have a very close relationshiop with a step-parent, which is quite heartwarming. However, there can be instances in which a parent won't tolerate the other and a great deal of hostility still exists. Again, this is an instance in which a wedding planner earns his or her keep by being the diplomat to defuse emotionally trying situations. I tell my couples that I'm their "designated bad-guy"; the one who wrangles recalcitrant parents or step parents or other guests who can't put aside their own hostilities as a gift to the couple for their wedding day.
When faced with such circumstances, the solution is to assert steps dictated by etiquette and to maintain as much distrance between the parties as possible while still being respectful, courteous and professional (if not friendly). Again, as the third party and not so personally involved, it's easier for a wedding planner to defuse a difficult situation in many cases. And I strongly recommend utilizing a good etiquette book as it will address such things as where people should sit during the ceremony in cases of divorce, for example. Where most divorced parents can occupy the front pew together, without coming to blows, some cannot. In that case, Mom gets the front pew on the aisle and Dad gets the third pew on the aisle, separated by other family members. When this is explained to Dad as being a rule of etiquette, he may not like it but he at least understands that it wasn't a personal jab at him and is accepted etiquette.
Another stressor on families planning a wedding is the guest list; who to invite, how many to invite, whether to invite children and where to seat everyone. I highly recommend that a maximum number of invitees be determined BEFORE starting a guest list. The total should then be divided up between the bride's parents, groom's parents and bride and groom. There can be some resentment when one set of parents' invitees overwhelms the guest list to the exclusion of the other set of parents' invitees, so it's easier to create a limit for each side at the outset. If one set of parents doesn't have enough guests on their list to meet their allowance, it is their option to give the remaining spaces to the other parents or the bride and groom.
To invite children is entirely up to the bride and groom and their families. Some wouldn't think of having a wedding celebration without children whereas others cringe at the thought of having children present; especially when room capacity or the budget limits the number of adult friends and family members they can invite. If the decision is made to have an adults-only event, (or even have certain children but not everyone's kids) obviously the inner envelope of the invitation should name only those people who are invited.
I'm often asked about an 'A' list and a 'B' list. While I try to discourage this as much as possible, I do understand that space limitations can be an issue and there are guests that a family truly would invite if they had the space. In that case, if you do create a 'B' list, NEVER tell anyone--not even your closest friends or other family members. The minute you tell someone outside of the inner circle of guest list determiners that there is a 'B' list, I guarantee that it will get out. Then you most certainly will have people wondering which list they are on. Also, when you do have an alternative list, be sure and send out the first wave of invitations 8 weeks in advance so you can send out invitations from the second list as soon as you receive a rejection. Also, never send out an invitation later than 4 weeks from the wedding date as those invitees will most assuredly know they're on the 'B' list.
Finally, the biggest cause of anxiety in wedding planning is usually financial. It's important for everyone involved to approach the wedding as realistically as possible and without allowing themselves to be caught up in a tidal wave of enthusiasm and excitement before working up a budget. I once asked a couple what their budget was. "Oh, we don't have a budget," they said. I replied, "Wonderful! I've always wanted to do a $250,000 wedding!" Suddenly, there was a budget! I had a bride tell me, once, that her budget was $8,000.00, which was fine. The problem was her fiance had gone out and contracted with a DJ for $4,000.00 in services and the room rental was $500 and they were going to serve dinner to 200 guests! They hadn't even talked about cake, flowers, photographer, menu, etc, and had already spent over half of the budget.
Every couple should, at the very beginning, sit down with their families and work out exactly what they are prepared to spend and where those resources are coming from. Traditionally, the parents of the bride shoulder the financial burden of the wedding and reception. However, with couples marrying later in life, after they are financially independent, they are more able to contribute toward the wedding. The groom's family may offer some assistance with one or more elements of the wedding weekend beyond just the rehearsal dinner. These things should be discussed frankly so a realistic budget can be determined. Then, it's important to figure out how much of the budgeted amount should be allocated to the different elements of the wedding BEFORE meeting with vendors so you don't find yourself paying way more for photography, for example, than you can realistically afford. At the same time, it's important to know what your priorities are and what isn't so important; where can you cut back to save money?
When you're trying to determine what you can afford to feed people, don't be fooled by the "per plate" amount on a catering menu. That amount does not include tax and gratuity, as a rule. So, if you've allocated $10,000.00 for your reception with 200 guests--which includes room rental, food and alcohol--be sure to get your calculator out. $50 per person is NOT what you have to spend. Let's say the room rents for $500. That means you have $9,500 to spend on food and beverage for 200 people. If you divide $9,500 by 200, you get $47.50. However, that $47.50 has to include tax and gratuity. If sales tax in your area is 7% and gratuity is 20%, you have to include that 27% in your calculations. In this example you would divide $47.50 by 1.27 to get the net per person amount; in this case $37.50 per person. This figure includes any hors d'oeuvres, hosted alcohol as well as the meal. Once you've done this little exercise, when you go in to speak to your caterer, you'll have a much clearer perspective of what you can and cannot afford and, hopefully, there will be no ugly surprises you weren't prepared for.
So, while it's a given that there can be emotional pitfalls during the planning of a wedding, being prepared for them and working hard to avoid or overcome them will go a long way to relieving emotional upsets. It's also important to recognize that you can't make everyone happy. The feelings of those closest to you are the ones to concern yourself with. Keep communication open and be prepared to compromise. And if it becomes too stressful, a good wedding planner is the best investment to maintain peace and goodwill and a calm atmosphere. I happen to know an excellent one! :-)
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